A nation traumatized by Paris Hilton

This Week’s Top Scrooge – May 18, 2007

Paris Hilton


I think it’s safe to say that we as a nation have been traumatized, victimized, and fearful of being held captive by Paris Hilton for the rest of our lives.

Please, Paris darling, let us go. You are really ‘hot’ and everything…I mean apparenty to someone out there you are hot. Not to anyone I know personally. But quit manipulating us. Quit taking up our space…you space cadet.

Is it our fault or yours that we have such an obsession with you?

I think it’s yours…so, you are This Week’s Top Scrooge. Like, sorry, I hope you don’t think that’s not hot. You know how you first thought it was not cool to go to jail and now you think it’s hot.

Someone put a bug in your ear that this could be hot for your “career”. You’ve dropped your appeal and now will spend about about 23 days in a “special needs housing unit” at the Century Regional Detention Center in suburban Lynwood.

Now, instead of your 15 minutes (which is actually 15 years in dog time) of fame being up, we get to obsess on you some more…if we choose.

Now, we get to read about you in prison. Oh, joy! We have the privilege of watching your exclusives on Entertainment Tonight and read about you as we checkout at the grocery store for like ever and ever and ever! Probably for the next 150 grocery store visits.

Maybe it’s not fair that we are so easy to judge you. But then again…nah! Just last week you claimed to be “emotionally distraught and traumatized” over your 45-day jail sentence and weren’t capable of testifying in a civil lawsuit against you, according to your psychiatrist.

We felt sorry for you then…uh, maybe for a second? Is it our fault we like to keep informed about you?

No, I think this is a case of gross manipulation. An entire country has been swallowed by your ravenous appetite for attention. You ate that burger with soap on you, you have a degree in snobbery, and you just know how to be Paris Hilton…don’t you!

Thanks to you, production time at my work is down 5 minutes a day because us four guys have to talk about the latest on you. That’s 25 minutes a week. That’s 1,250 minutes a year.

In other words, in the next 5 years we will have lost 101 hours of work. That’s 115 years…in dog time.


Fleeing to the satellite waves, radio jocks Opie and Anthony reach even lower

Parents’ child abuse includes dog cage, shock collar

This Week’s Top Scrooge – April 27, 2007

This Week’s Top Scrooge – April 20, 2007

This Week’s Top Scrooge – April 13, 2007

This Week’s Top Scrooge – April 6, 2007


Get your ScroogeReport T-shirts, coffee mugs, and more – visit CafePress now!


One thought on “A nation traumatized by Paris Hilton

  1. Pingback: At Galesburg High, kids are kids and school officials are out of control « TheScroogeReport

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s